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Charn had been at peace for too long. Jadis had no doubt about that. The rebellion of her sister was a timely event, for it provided the opportunity to purge Charn of those who were weak and unworthy, not to mention those unloyal enough to side with her wretched sibling. Jadis loved war. She loved to hear the anguished cries of her enemies and the roaring hatred of her own troops. War was music to her ears.

The Queen-Emperor of Charn was dressed for battle. Upon her head was the Imperial War Crown, crested with horns and dragon wings. Over her short tunic she wore a brilliant breastplate of shining brass. A purple cloak fell from her shoulders.

Jadis moved gracefully across the field on her huge bare feet. She needed no boots, for her feet would be washed in the blood of her enemies, just like the naked feet of a peasant girl trod the winepress.

She surveyed her troops. Before her were mustered the entire war host of Charn. Countless spearmen of the Imperial Army stood assembled. With them were her very own Life Guard in their shining armor and red cloaks.

Jadis smiled upon the troops who would give up their lives for her.

She heard the beating of wings and watched as her wyvern riders came to land. Their air support would be highly useful in dealing with the war machines that her sister utilized.

There were many exotic units in the army of Jadis. Savages from the southern jungles with their poisoned arrows, the Lizard Folk of Sen-Kree, their tongues hissing with anticipation, and pure-blooded giants from the northern realms.

The tribesmen of Ras'thee roared with joy as their queen walked before them. Each was clad in the pelt of a lion and their axes had tasted the blood of many a monster.

The Faceless Knights remained motionless before her. None had ever been seen without their armor. Some said beneath those suits of steel were only skeletons. Others said that they were walking suits of armour, animated by magic.

The Blood Host of Lokrissa were a fearsome sight. Their bare chests were criss-crossed with scars. Such was their frenzied blood lust that when they were not shedding the blood of their enemies, they would cut their own skin.

The Beetle riders of Jus'tak'tak were perhaps the strangest of all her regiments. Each beetle was as large as a wyvern and armoured with the blackest of chitin. They made a hideous clacking sound as they moved. Their riders were almost as terrible, clad in thick armor made from giant spiders.


Jadis knew her forces were formidable. Her sister would tremble and beg for mercy when she set eyes on her war host.


It was time to mount her own charger. A beast master held the reigns of her mount. It was a terrible monster with massive bat-like wings and a scorpion tail. From a huge lion-like face, it breathed sulphorous smoke.

Jadis laid an affectionate hand on the head of her manticore. She then carefully placed her bare feet into the stirrups and took the reigns.

With a loud beating of wings, the great beast flew into the air above the army. The soldiers below cheered to see their queen taking to the sky.

Landing the manticore, Jadis raised her voice to address her war host.

"My soldiers! Warriors of Charn! This day we go to battle to purge this world of the faithless. Today you shall unleash the horrors of darkness on those that do not own my supremacy. Fight and die for the glory of Charn and the honour of your queen!"

"For the glory of Queen Jadis!" cried the war host in unison. "For the glory of Queen Jadis!"
A Chronicles of Narnia fanfic.

This is set in Charn, before Jadis destroyed it. I'm cautious about writing stuff set in Charn. I think that place it has to have a very exotic and slightly surreal feel to it, as well as a sense of the mysterious.

The units in Jadis' army were all made up by me. I definitely think Jadis would have ridden a manticore!


Jadis and Charn were the creation of C.S. Lewis
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Splendid. Although I was hoping to critique a new original epic, this is still no less interesting. It calls to my mind a scene from John Carter that I saw recently as a DVD. The same strange hosts and their allies/foes, lined up for battle. Jadis is proving to be a true queen, she shares traits-especially attitude-with the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. Her leadership ability shows well here, and you need not worry that Charn fiction was misrepresented, although I have not read Lewis's full series. Jadis's speech reflects a determined dictator. I wish I had the epic on hand. The faceless knights of Charn are a genuine thrilling addition. I really am excited with that. And again,I look forward to your original fiction and OCs,if you are planning them.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnate-walis:
I confess to having never read C S Lewis, so I can only approach this as a would be writer responding to the work of another who has put pen to paper.

You write with a passion for your subject and possess a clarity that means the intention of your prose is always clear without any chance of confusion on the part of the reader. In addition you are able to visualise and describe the main character in this piece in a way that is convincing and brings to life the feel and image of the character into focus as the centre of the narrative.

My only criticism of this piece would be the way in which it makes no effort to evoke the atmosphere of the scene that is being described beyond the most basic aspects of what could be seen. This may be the result of a deliberate stylistic choice on your part, or due to the short nature of the piece, but at no time did I feel any wider sense of the scene than the surface details.

Only one character is given more than a two-dimensional description and no deeper feeling for what is going on comes through the text. While the reader is treated to an exotic list of troops and their individual traits, they seem to be no more than this, simply colour and alien-sounding names married to a striking theme.

I would suggest spending more time evoking the feel of the scene, the finer details of the characters involved and some more actual colour in the description of the troops involved as well as a reflection of the effect they are having on the people around them at the same time.

You have colour and shape, but try adding depth and characterisation to achieve a more lasting effect on the reader.
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4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconzireael07:
Zireael07 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is brilliant!
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh thanks! I do love the fact that people who aren't Narnia fans enjoy my Narnia fiction.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012  Professional Writer
I think your last critique was from a non-reader. I am not either but I would not treat your style like that.
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My style is not perfect.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2012  Professional Writer
It is YOURS and that is what I keep in mind when I critique anyone. You do what you want.
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:iconambassador-brouwer:
ambassador-brouwer Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012  Professional Filmographer
Definitely loved the creative battalions. Kudos to you!
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconsnarkknight:
SnarkKnight Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
This is pretty epic. I'm not familiar enough with the Chronicles of Narnia to have realized it was a fanfiction till the very end, and usually I'm not a big fanfiction kinda guy, but this is pretty darn awesome.
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well this is a pretty unmapped spot of the Chronicles of Narnia.

Thanks for reading.
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:iconkilgrimx:
kilgrimx Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You had me at Charn! This is fantastic, such great description of the troops and creatures I would never question them being in Jadis' world. I hope you write more, as the story of the world with the dying sun is definitely one worth telling.
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks a lot.

I'm not sure that the whole story of Jadis on Charn should be told. I think Charn is better seen in glimpses, to maintain the air of mystery about it.
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:iconsword-to-scabbard:
Sword-to-Scabbard Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very nicely written. I like the examples of the different regiments/creatures that are in her army, each one explained and detailed throughly so the reader can visualize these creatures, even if the reader hasn't read the Chronicles of Narnia. As Michel-Le-Fou said, I also like the little description of the Faceless Knights. Bravo :)
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! Of course, none of those regiments are mentioned in the Chronicles of Narnia. We don't know very much at all about Charn, so any fiction set there has to be largely made up.
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:iconsword-to-scabbard:
Sword-to-Scabbard Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah I see. Very interesting :) Fantastic job on making these made-up armies. Kudos to you!
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:iconcelestialhost:
Celestialhost Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks.
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